Dropping my first-born off at school (and preschool, come to think of it) was a total emotional rollercoaster for a very long time. Some kids are totally fine with that separation and seem to skip into the classroom gleefully, but mine would cling on to my hand, get all panicky, cry and need to be gently prised off me every day as I left. I began having to psych myself up for the ordeal and started doubting all my parenting decisions - should I start home schooling him?! Am I causing damage here? I was so rattled and for a while there the drop offs became ‘dad’s job’ because I was finding it too emotional. 

If that sounds a bit like your situation currently - you’re not alone. Some days DO feel utterly crushing. But there are things you can do to make separations easier and I can now say that my eldest is nearly always one of the ones skipping into school with no issues. It can and does get easier - for both of you.

Why Is This So Hard for Some Kids?

If your child finds separation at drop-off difficult, it’s not because they’re being manipulative or dramatic. Sometimes it can really look and feel like they’re suddenly turning on the drama to get you to stay, “you were fine just before!!”. And it can be tempting to resort to a sterner tone to brush the whole thing off as ‘silly’ - especially as their behaviour can feel embarrassing sometimes. Like - why is my child struggling when everyone else’s seems fine? It shouldn’t be a big deal. 

But actually, their response is one that’s deep wired into their nervous system and even though it looks ‘put-on’ - it’s not. They’re not in as much control as we think. When kids perceive separation as stressful, their body reacts as if they’re in danger - because, from an evolutionary standpoint, being left behind was dangerous. Their brain is firing pushing them into fight-or-flight mode (survival) so they’re reacting on instinct rather than thinking ‘hmmm what can I do today to make them stay?”.

Because all that crying, clinging, begging and running after you isn’t always something they can control, it really helps to reframe how you think about it when it’s happening. Try and think “They’re asking for help” rather than “they’re being silly”. I find this helps me more than any other mantra because we’re wired to help and understand feeling helpless - so I’m more likely to respond kindly.
Let’s go through some ways you can support you both to feel calmer. 

Make Sure School is Familiar

If your child is starting in an education setting for the first time, preparation is key. Teachers usually offer transition visits, but you can go further. Take your child to play in the playground outside of hours so they feel comfortable there. Walk through the grounds together, pointing out important places like where they’ll put their bag, where they’ll sit for mat time, and where the toilets are. Take photos and create a simple learning story: “Here’s where I put my bag. Here’s where I eat my lunch.” Looking back at these pictures together helps it all feel more familiar - almost like you’re role-playing it every time you read. If you feel your child needs extra transition visits, ask for them - most schools are usually pretty accommodating because a settled child is a win for everybody. Some schools already have learning stories ready-made that they can give you or help you to personalise too - so it pays to ask.

The Morning Matters More Than You Think

Rushed mornings lead to frazzled drop-offs. It’s easier said than done, but if you’re scrambling to find a clean clothes, throwing together lunchboxes, and shouting reminders to put on shoes, you AND your child are already carrying stress before they even reach school. That stress then carries over into the goodbye.

Our rule of thumb? We aim to have everything - clothes on, teeth brushed, bag packed - done with enough time left for a short play together before leaving.

Play is a powerful motivator. My kids know that if they get their morning jobs done, we have time for a game, a puzzle, or some imaginary play before we head out the door. That connection fills their emotional cup and makes the transition smoother. Plus, they feel in control because they’re working towards something fun, not just being rushed out of the house. Yes, this strategy may involve waking yourself and your child up a little earlier but trust me, it’s worth it.

We also call all of those morning routines “boring jobs”. Like, “let’s get our boring jobs done then we can build with the magnet tiles for a bit”. It sounds so insignificant - but sometimes just the acknowledgement that the morning routine is tiring and boring is enough for kids to feel heard. It IS hard having someone bark lots of steps to you that you have to follow - especially if they know that at the end of all of those things is a separation from you. That’s not motivating. Use the term ‘boring jobs’, try to have some fun doing them then enjoy the reward together of having a bit of a play.

Help Where Help Is Needed

Remember just because your child has proven they have done a skill before, doesn’t mean they can do it every time. Environmental pressures play a big role here. Take putting shoes on as an example. Sure you’ve seen them do it independently in the past, but if they’re groggy on a morning, worried about drop-off, unsure of where their shoes are, have to sequence finding and putting on socks first and are under a time pressure - now the task feels mountainous. If we can take away some of their stress by helping them to get ready, it can make all the difference in how they feel when it comes to goodbye time at the gate.

We can really take the pressure off and make things easier for them by having it all laid out the night before, then being available to help. If separation is already a struggle, let’s not start that struggle at home where possible. You’re not ‘babying them’ or setting them back by helping them get dressed if it means everyone feels calmer and happier before school starts.

Let Them Make a Plan
We tend to come up with lots of solutions and plans FOR children, but sometimes we forget to just ask them what THEY think might help.

In a calm moment, away from any sort of drop off, have a chat about what they think makes mornings tricky. You might be surprised by what they tell you! They could say something random like "I just want to walk in the top gate instead of the bottom one" - and that might be the tiny bit of control they needed to feel more settled.

If they can't explain or think of anything - offer them a couple of concrete choices instead of open-ended questions.

"would you like me to come in with you or wave goodbye at the door?"
"shall we do a big hug or a high five before I go?"

Make a Plan With the Teacher

If drop-offs feel impossible, don’t hesitate to loop in your child’s teacher. They’ve seen it all before and often have great strategies to help ease transitions. Work together to create a plan so that you’re saying and doing the same things each morning.

This could look like:

• Deciding on a set goodbye routine 
• Having a teacher or staff member meet your child at the door for a special job
• Using a transitional object (like a soft toy or comfort item from home)
• Having the same high-interest activities out each morning
• Being the first one into class so that it’s not too busy
• Involving their special interests
• Having a buddy or key friend to play with

When teachers and parents work as a team, kids end up feeling more secure because their environment is predictable and consistent. They really do pick up on the energy if everyone is frazzled and unsure. You can always tweak the plan together if you feel something isn’t working. 

For my son, we found that he really liked talking about his special interests. For a while there that was the weather - so he and his teacher would go and check the weather together every morning as a ‘job’ that needed doing after high-fiving us goodbye. For a while he was very interested in sea creatures so she kept a book from the library and had him teach her about one every morning - again a lovely distraction and something that he felt like an expert in. The ‘known’ of a special interest is less scary than the ‘unknown’ of Mum leaving.

We also talked with the teacher to make sure we were on the same page about what she could do physically. Obviously it’s never ok to restrain a child, so there was no holding him back. But we did have a plan for passing her hand into his or her sitting him on her lap for the book or a gentle cuddle as we left. It’s so much better to have these things planned out than being a parent left thinking “I wish the teacher would just take over and get him” whilst the teacher might be thinking “I wish Mum would just leave, I’ve got this, I don’t want to drag him off her”. Communication is key.

Acknowledge Their Feelings and Listen
Imagine you’re really scared of spiders and there are loads of them in your garden shed. You tell your friend about it and they say “it’s fine, nothing to be scared of, you’ll love it in there!”. You’d feel so frustrated and unheard. You can’t just switch off your phobia, just as kids can’t just snap out of their separation anxiety. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just acknowledge what they’re feeling and hear them out. “You’re feeling worried about leaving me, huh? I understand”. Don’t be tempted into following this up with a ‘but’, like “but you’ll have so much fun!”. Hyping up and overselling the experience can just make them question things more (why is Mum so desperate for me to like this place?! What is she not telling me?) and having lots of fun may not be their experience until they’re settled in. Acknowledging their feelings shows them it’s valid to feel that way – and you DO want them to keep communicating honestly with you and not just lying because you don’t seem to understand or listen. It’s ok to feel worried - so reassure them that what they’re feeling is normal and to be expected.

Listen for other words too. For a long time, my son said school was ‘boring’ - I think because he had no other describing words for the other big feelings he was having there. I didn’t follow up with “oh but you have so much fun, you seemed to like XYZ!” I just heard him and acknowledged it. “Oh - thanks for telling me. School can be tricky sometimes when you’re getting used to it”.

Telling your own stories can help too. Kids can feel like they’re the first ones every experiencing this whole thing. It’s helpful to tell them how you felt starting school, or times you felt worried and overcame it. Then they won’t have to feel so alone in their feelings.

Give a Clear & Predictable Goodbye

A quick, consistent routine helps kids feel secure. Try:

• A special handshake, high five or phrase you say every day
• Reminding them of what’s happening next (“You’ll have morning tea, then playtime, then I’ll be back after lunch”)
• A confident goodbye - even if they’re upset. (Lingering can make it harder.)

Remember: our confidence sets the tone. Children are incredibly perceptive, and they’ll know if you’re at all wobbly about the transition. Remind yourself that you’ve chosen a great school, the teachers know their stuff and your amazing child is more than capable of making this change. Your confidence will carry over into your words and demeanour, so your child can read “wow, my Mum isn’t worried so I don’t need to be either”. 

Don’t Sneak Away

It’s tempting to think, They’re playing now, I should just slip out quietly to avoid the tears. But as much as it might seem like the kindest option in the moment, sneaking away can actually increase anxiety over time. When kids realise you can disappear at any moment, they become more hyper-vigilant, making drop-offs even harder the next day.

Instead, always say goodbye - predictable and clear, so they know exactly what’s happening. Even if they cry, they over time learn to trust that even though you always have to leave (and will still leave even when they’re struggling) you always come back. A short, positive goodbye routine helps them to feel more secure over time and prevents things escalating more and more to make you stay. Because their bodies really WILL learn “oh when I do THIS, mum stays a bit longer”.

Make Reconnecting After School Part of the Routine
Having a little routine for reconnecting after school can give your child something familiar to look forward to. I can STILL remember my own mother arriving to pick me up with a lollipop every time I went to nursery when I was only 3!
I'm not saying add lollies to the occasion - but a special hug or a snack together or playing on the playground for 10 minutes before you leave the grounds could do the trick. Then you could say "I'll be back to get you at 3 o'clock for our special hang-out time". 

Help Kids To Understand Time

Young children don’t grasp time the way adults do, so saying, “I’ll pick you up at 3:00” means nothing to them. Instead, link your return to their daily routine: “I’ll see you after afternoon tea,” or, “I’ll be back after your last mat time.” This makes the concept of time more concrete and predictable for them, reducing uncertainty.

Do not underestimate the power of a big wall calendar either. Marking school days on the calendar and crossing them off as you go is incredibly powerful. Now school doesn’t feel everlasting - they can SEE that there’s only 3 days left until the weekend.

Avoid Star Charts

Look - I know it’s tempting to reward kids for ‘good behaviour’ with a sticker or a reward, but when a child is struggling with a drop off, that’s a stress response, not a purposeful bad behaviour.

As mentioned earlier - they go into survival mode - it’s not something they’re controlling. To praise a child for something they’re not really in control of doesn’t make a lot of sense, and NOT receiving the sticker can then feel like a punishment.

They don’t need us to add “oh, I didn’t have a good drop off today, I didn’t get a sticker, I’m not very good at this” to the mountain of feelings they already have. Neither do we want them to start shutting down and not expressing their true emotions just to get a reward.

Rewards aren't always a bad idea. We can absolutely recognise and celebrate children taking small steps towards managing separation, like practising their goodbye routine or walking into the classroom with their teacher, even if they're crying whilst doing it.

The important thing is that we're praising their efforts, rather than rewarding them for hiding their feelings. The goal is to help them feel more confident with separation, not simply stop the tears.

Know The Teachers Are Ready For Your Child As They Are 

The word ‘readiness’ is thrown about a lot and whilst, yes, there are some skills that support a child’s ability to engage with learning, the fact is that preschools and schools welcome all children at all stages of development. That’s the power of inclusion. Your teacher is trained to meet your child at their level. Don’t get hung up on comparing your child to others – or stress your child out more by trying to teach a batch of new skills just before they start. They’re perfect as they are right now and will learn that stuff in their own time.

When to Ask for More Help
For some children, separation anxiety takes time to ease. If your child is becoming increasingly distressed, their anxiety is affecting their sleep or wellbeing or the teacher reports that they’re struggling to settle even after you’ve left, it’s worth looking into what else might be going on.

A really good chat with the classroom teacher and SENCO or Learning Support Coordinator (LSC) can help, as sometimes it’s not just the separation itself. There might be sensory overwhelm or learning challenges or something happening within the classroom that needs addressing.

If you’ve already tried making a plan together and things aren’t improving, you might decide as a team to look into more support through the Ministry of Education Learning Support team or through your GP. You don’t need to wait until things are completely unmanageable to ask for help. 

The Takeaway

You’re not a bad parent, you’re not doing it wrong, your child isn’t broken and this isn’t forever. Some kids just need more support with separation, and that’s okay.

Once a teacher said to me, “my daughter was just like your son, it took over a year for her to feel more comfortable with it” and I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that. It was so reassuring to know that there’s no set time this has to come right, we didn’t need to rush everything and there’s no quick fix I needed to be aiming for. I just needed to be slow and consistent and kind and understanding to what he was going through until it was no longer a problem for him. I didn’t need to take on his struggles as my own problem, because separation anxiety is something that many children experience and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

So … take a deep breath. Have a good coffee. Remind yourself that this isn’t forever and it’s a good sign that they’re well attached to you! Give yourself some grace. You’re doing a great job.

You’ve got this. 


Podcast Ep
I recorded more of my own struggles into a podcast ep! It's 23 minutes and it covers what worked and what didn't work. 
Episode #29 Difficult School Drop-Offs: When Strategies Fail
Listen here or wherever your get your podcasts!