You were probably taught that you have five senses. Sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch (and that joke sixth one about seeing dead people). But what nobody bothered to tell us in school is that we actually have eight. And the three that didn't make the list are arguably the ones that affect our wellbeing the most. 

The three senses you've never heard of

Brace yourself for some big words. I promise it's worth reading them.

Proprioception is your sense of where your body is in space. It's what tells you how hard you're pressing a pen to paper, how much force to use when you're typing and where your limbs are right now. When you get deep pressure like a tight hug or the weight of heavy blanket, it can feel really calming because it's giving your body intel about where your body is. It's organising and reassuring.

Vestibular sense is your sense of movement and balance. It lives in your inner ear and tells you whether you're upright, moving, spinning or still. It's why babies settle when you rock them and why kids instinctively spin and swing and hang upside down. We joke about 'rocking in a corner' when we're overwhelmed, but it's actually a great strategy because rocking our bodies helps to regulate our nervous system.

Interoception is your ability to sense what's happening inside your own body. Hunger. Thirst. Needing the toilet. How hot or cold you are. It's your body's internal reporting system,  constantly sending signals up to your brain about what's going on and what you need. It's what recognises those butterflies in your stomach when you're anxious.

Why interoception might be the most important one of all:

Here's the thing about interoception: if you can't accurately read your own body's signals, you can't meet your own needs. 

Think about  important it is to realise you're feeling hungry and then go and eat something before the real hanger sets in. Or feeling that your face is flush and you're sweating so you should probably take your jumper off. Or recognising that you feel overwhelmed at a party so you should sneak off to a quieter room for a breather.   All of those things are examples of self-regulation and it's what we desperately want our children to develop. But it all starts with them being able to hear what their body is telling them.

If a child has poor interoception and they can't hear what their body is saying, it naturally has a huge impact on their behaviour. What we end up with is a kid who is melting down because they're tired, hungry, thirsty, need the toilet or are too hot but haven't realised and don't know what to do about it. 

Signs your child might have poor interoception

Some of these might sound very familiar:

• Going from completely fine to absolutely beside themselves with no apparent warning
• Having no idea they're hungry (and even turning down food) then hitting a wall and being starving
• Needing to be reminded to go to the toilet even when they're dancing with desperation
• Not noticing they're freezing cold or boiling hot until it's extreme
• Having no idea how loud their voice is
• Not noticing when they're hurt or bleeding until someone points it out
• Struggling to wind down at the end of the day even when exhausted
• Frequently saying "I don't know" when you ask how they're feeling - because genuinely, they don't

What might cause poor interoception?

Interoception develops gradually throughout childhood as the brain builds and refines its internal maps of the body. For some children this process is slower or works differently.

We see differences in interoception particularly often in neurodivergent children - those with ADHD, autism or sensory processing differences. Something hasn't gone wrong, it's just that their nervous systems are wired differently and the channel between body and brain may be noisier, quieter, or less reliable than average. Interoception can also be affected by stress, trauma or having a nervous system that's been in a heightened state for a long time. This is because when we're in survival mode, the body stops prioritising reading the internal signals and instead focuses on scanning for threats.

What this means in real life

Here's what I want you to remember next time your child loses it and you genuinely cannot figure out why: all behaviour is communication. They could be shouting, hitting, biting, throwing stuff - whatever it is, just imagine they're saying "help me - there's something wrong". 

A child who melts down is never doing it to make your life difficult. It doesn't feel good inside to be doing the wrong thing (and 99% of the time they know a behaviour is wrong, they're just not in control of their actions). They are telling you - often the only way they currently can - that they have a need they cannot identify, name or meet on their own. Their body sent them a signal they couldn't read, the need went unmet and eventually their nervous system tipped over and now they're losing it.

I see this with my own son all the time. He's six, nearly 7. He'll start getting increasingly impulsive, bouncing off the walls, winding up his sister and making questionable decisions. Experience has taught me that nine times out of ten, if I suggest that he go to the toilet, he comes back a new kid. His body was screaming at him and he had absolutely no idea. He wasn't being naughty, he just needed a wee.

Have a think about some frequent behaviours you see your little one doing when they're hungry or tired.  They're not meeting their own body's needs (eating or resting) and then they're acting out. Once you start seeing it, you genuinely cannot unsee it.

How you can help your child develop better interoception

The good news is that interoception can be developed. The brain is plastic, especially in young children, and there are lots of practical, playful ways to help your child tune into their body's signals.

We cover all of this in depth in Episode #41 of The You've Got This Podcast — "Interoception: the hidden sense driving behaviour." It's one of our favourite episodes and we go through exactly what you can do at home in those tricky moments when things are starting to go tits-up. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or click this link to head to our Patreon.

A final note and reminder that none of us are perfectly in tune with our bodies

Missing your body's signals is completely normal and extremely human. Adults do it constantly.

I, for one, regularly ignore every sign that I should put my phone down and go to sleep. My eyes are burning and I'm yawning and yet here I am, still scrolling. I eat well past the point of full and can put off going to the toilet for hours. My interoception isn't always great, but even when I do get some signals I choose to override them.

So don't read this and think 'uh-oh - that's my kid and I need to fix them' because we all do it. It just pays to have a little more awareness of what interoception is so we can give ourselves and our kids some grace. Next time your little one is melting down for what seems like absolutely no reason, take a breath and remember: there is always a reason. They just can't tell you what it is yet.

There's no such thing as naughty.

You've got this.