When your child shouts, throws something, digs their heels in, or bursts into tears over what seems like nothing, it’s so easy to think, here we go again… they’re just being difficult. We’ve been told for generations that this sort of behaviour needs to be “nipped in the bud” with consequences. That we need to shut it down quickly so they “learn their lesson.”

But most of the time, it’s not defiance. It’s certainly not manipulation. It’s not even them trying to get one over on you. It’s stress. It’s their nervous system saying, I’m not OK right now – I need help.

Why punishment makes things worse

When we punish a child in the middle of a meltdown or stand-off, their body goes straight into survival mode. Their brain’s thinking centre (prefrontal cortex) – the bit that helps them reflect, problem-solve, and actually learn – shuts down.

Yes really - that part of their brain turns off. Stops working because the body needs to work on survival.

 In that state, they literally can’t take in what you’re saying, no matter how much sense it makes. They’re too busy trying to feel safe again.

Sure, you might get short-term compliance. You've shouted before and it works - they stop doing what they were doing pretty quickly because of the initial shock of you shouting or because they feel ashamed to have been caught. But stopping in the moment is not the same as learning how to handle a tricky moment and do better next time. Over time, this cycle teaches something else entirely – that making mistakes is shameful, that big feelings should be hidden, and that people who love you can use power to control you.

Yes - the research backs this up. Studies from around the world (including right here in New Zealand), have found that harsh discipline increases stress, damages the trust between parent and child and ultimately just leads to more behaviour problems in the long run. It’s not that our children don’t want to behave – it’s that their brains are underdeveloped, they have unmet needs, and they haven’t yet learned how to regulate themselves so they CAN behave. 

Seeing behaviour differently

One of the biggest shifts we can make as parents is to start looking at behaviour as communication. Every time your child “acts out”, there’s something underneath – hunger, tiredness, overwhelm, frustration, fear. Often it’s a mix. This is especially true for neurodivergent children, who might have a harder time coping with sensory input, predicting what’s coming next in their day, or recognising what’s going on in their own body.

We all have a point where we're overwhelmed and something small just tips us over the edge. For your child, they may have been feeling uneasy for a while, then something as simple as the wrong colour cup, an itchy jumper or the sudden noise of a vacuum can send them spiralling. They can’t always explain their needs in words – so their behaviour does the talking. What says 'I'm so stressed out' better than throwing something?!

Prevention over reaction

The most powerful parenting happens before the moment blows up. That means knowing your child and their needs and what typically overwhelms them and putting extra support in place.

If after-school meltdowns are a regular thing, make sure there’s a snack ready before you even leave the gate. If mornings are rushed and stressful, start ten minutes earlier or do as much prep the night before as you can. If transitions are tricky, use a visual timer or a simple warning: “We’re leaving in five minutes.”  Prevention is the best strategy when it comes to unwanted behaviours. The aim isn't to remove all difficulties from their life (that's way too much to ask of any parent) but just pre-empting some of the big things and helping them to move through it before they spiral can make a world of difference.

The hidden senses that shape behaviour

Two of the least talked about but most important skills for handling big feelings are interoception and proprioception.

Interoception is your child’s ability to notice what’s happening inside their body. Do they feel thirsty? Restless? Anxious? Episode #41 of The You’ve Got This Podcast – "Interoception: the hidden sense driving behaviour" – dives into this in more detail. When children can name what’s going on inside, they can start to do something about it.

Proprioception is the sense of where your body is in space. Big body movements – pushing, pulling, climbing, jumping – give proprioceptive feedback that’s calming and regulating.  Season 2 Episode #9 of the Ypu've Got This Podcast – "Is it bad behaviour or a sensory need?" – is worth a listen if you want ideas to build this into daily life.

Breaking the cycle

If you’ve found yourself stuck in a pattern – child acts out, you react, they comply for a bit, then it starts again – it’s not because you’re a bad parent. All kids are doing similar stuff. Often we react harshly because we’re frustrated, triggered, or just copying what was done to us (hands up everyone who was smacked, like me?!). Maybe it “worked” in the sense that it stopped the behaviour in the moment. But now we know more about the brain and how it develops. And what we know tells us that long-term, punishment does more harm than good.

Instead of focusing on stopping the behaviour, try focusing on meeting the need. That might mean offering help even if you think they “should” be able to do it themselves, giving them a movement break before something big like a transition or expectation,  or simply sitting nearby until they feel ready to try again. A child who feels good is far more likely to act good.

A simple plan you can start today

Pick one time of day that’s regularly tricky – mornings, after school, bedtime – and make a small change to support it. That might mean:

• Packing a snack in the car for the drive home.

• Building in a five-minute “reset” walk or wrestle before bedtime.

• Offering help with a task that usually causes arguments.

And then, reflect. Did it make a difference? Could you build that support in again tomorrow?

The bottom line

Your child’s behaviour is always telling you something. It's just a cry for help - sometimes I just imagine my child saying "please help me" when they're doing something ridiculous that they know they shouldn't.

The more we can meet their needs and guide them to do something they can do without shame or fear, the more they’ll learn to manage themselves and actually make good choices . Don't let anyone tell you that you’re “giving in” or "being soft" by always being kind and meeting needs when you see bad behaviours. You’re being respectful, you're aware that being harsh and threatening doesn't build trust, and you're teaching skills that will last long after the current tricky phase has passed.

Need some support on a specific issue? Send us a DM to our insta @youvegotthispodcast or email us youvegotthispod@gmail.com and we'll add it to our episode list.