My 5 Year Old Tried To Hit Me In Anger This Morning – Here’s How I Responded

I’d ended up sleeping half the night on his sister’s floor because she was unwell.

He came trotting into her room at 7:30am excited to wake us and I hurriedly asked him to be quiet because I wanted her to get extra sleep. He looked crestfallen.

He started to make noise to protest and I quickly led him out of her room and into our lounge. He was a ball of feelings.

Probably:

• embarrassed he’d gotten in trouble
• confused that he’d been told to be quiet but also to get up then rushed him out
• hurt that he was in his sister’s room and not with him
• disappointed because he wanted to play with us and I stopped that

He said “I hate you, Mummy”. I didn’t take it personally or look offended because I knew that was his emotions speaking and it’s all he had in the tank.

I stayed at his eye level, made sure my face looked understanding and not angry, and I nodded.

Kids don’t want to lash out, they do so when they’re bubbling over with emotions that they don’t know how to handle or express. It was important to me that I didn’t add to his feelings of shame by having a big reaction when he was clearly struggling. It wouldn’t have helped to add my own emotions into the mix – I needed to model calm to help him to co-regulate with me.

Instead I was a detective. I worked out his feelings and guided him through them.

I said “Oh I’m sorry. You were excited to play with us. That must have been confusing.”

“I won’t let you hit me – I’ll move my body away.”

“We’ve all been so sick haven’t we? I wanted your sister to sleep a little longer and I rushed us out here in a hurry – sorry if I scared you.”

“I wonder if you’d like some special time just you and I now that we’re the ones awake? We could have a play or make breakfast together.”

He nodded with a sad face and we stayed there in silence for a little bit until he’d visibly calmed. He then was able to make a suggestion of what we could do together – and we both moved on.

Did he need ‘telling off’ for trying to hit me?  No. Kids know they shouldn’t hit – he didn’t need a lecture. He’ll have felt the natural consequence of me stopping that behaviour and moving away and he’ll have felt shame. Those actions were impulsive and a result of an underdeveloped brain. Shouting would have only scared him.

And the behaviour was a result of MY behaviour after all. He’d gotten a shock that his happy little wake-up attempt had gone so sour.

He was seeking connection. So I needed to help him to co-regulate so I could connect with him.

We started to play together, and later I properly apologised and talked through what I should have done better.

I learned:

• Jon and I need to be more specific in the moment about when it’s ok to wake each other
• I should have been warmer and less hurried when I first saw him
• He needs more clarity from me
  
  

He hopefully learned:

• It’s safe to show my emotions around my mother
• She can handle it 
• My mother understands me
• Next time I’ll ask before I try and wake my sister
  
  

There’s no such thing as naughty. Our kids are allowed to have big emotions and reactions, they just haven’t had years of practice in how to cope with them. Teaching kids how to deal with their emotions makes the difference between adults punching a wall in anger, or being able to regulate and communicate.

If we shout and lash out when we’re angry then we can’t expect them not to. If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t expect regulated kids. I’m not always regulated. Are you?

You’ve got this.