“Just ignore them”

We’ve probably all been told to just ignore our children when they’re having a tantrum. Thats because ignoring them can sometimes ‘work’. But at what cost?

Being ignored - that threat of abandonment or love withdrawal - can be enough to make kids worry and quickly pull themselves together. To them, we are their entire world, so the thought of us not loving them or leaving them can lead to ‘fawning’ behaviours. Fawning is when we abandon our own needs in an attempt to stay safe and maintain connection.

When we ignore our kids’ tantrums, they learn ‘I’m unloveable when I’m like this. People only like me when I’m feeling good, my emotions must be too much to handle and must be scary. I should suppress these feelings’. And we all know that bottling feelings can lead to more explosive outburst down the line.

Helping children to understand their feelings, sit with them and work through them, supports them to grow into emotionally mature adults who can manage what life throws at them. So how can we do this?

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY A LOT.
When kids are having a tantrum, the part of their brain that processes language is essentially turned off, so this isn’t the time to really ‘teach’ anything.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BUY INTO IT EITHER.
It’s true that being all-over our kids, feeling sorry for them and piling on the attention can sometimes cause connection-seeking behaviours down the line. We want the vibe of our response to be “I see you, I understand why you’re feeling that way, it’s not a huge deal so I’m going to be here or nearby modelling calm to show you that it’s going to be ok”.

CALM YOURSELF TO CALM YOUR CHILD
They’re learning how to cope with these feelings by watching how we cope. Calming them with our calmness strengthens their neural pathways so they can they learn to soothe themselves in the future. Take some deep breaths, sit quietly or step outside.

ITS COMMUNICATION - SO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.
“You really wanted to keep the TV on. I get it - that’s your favourite show”. When kids feel understood, they feel a little safer.

RIDE THE WAVE.
Right there with them or close by if they need some space. You’ve got this.

Watch the full reel here