🕵‍♀Be a detective🕵️‍♀️

When your child hits out at you, focus on what they’re trying to communicate, not the behaviour.

When your child says something mean, focus on what they’re trying to communicate, not the behaviour.

When we stop and see our children’s outbursts for what they are: a cry for help, we’re more likely to respond kindly and respectfully. We’re also less likely to become overwhelmed, frustrated and triggered.

It’s true that our kids don’t want to misbehave. It doesn’t feel good in their bodies and it’s a sure sign that they’ve lost all control and need our help.
Just as we can start the day with the best intentions to be cool, calm and regulated and still snap at our kids or lose it. We don’t mean to - we’re just dysregulated and our emotional brain takes over the logical brain.

Lashing out, saying mean things, throwing toys and tantrumming are all ways that children communicate their needs - and sometimes it’s the only way that they can at that stage in their brain development. Their behaviour is driven by their feelings and needs, not by logic or because they WANT to be that way. Sometimes they even act out as a way of protecting themselves from how you might react to them.

Meeting our children’s needs when their behaviour is explosive can be super challenging and it’s hard to stay calm. But when we model calm, we’re helping our children to co-regulate and calm their own bodies down. They learn that we’re a safe person to turn to for help and that our love is unconditional, regardless of how they show up. We will help them to do better next time.

Next time your little one does a behaviour you don’t like, pause and be a detective. Ask yourself “what are they trying to tell me?”.