If you’ve ever been at the end of your rope thinking, “Why are they doing this to me?” you’re not alone. I’ve thought it too. Even though I know all the science and I share this kind of thing daily, I still get caught out in those tough moments. I still lose my cool sometimes. I still snap. It’s human.
But when I can take a step back and remember this truth – that my child is not being naughty – everything shifts.
They’re not trying to wind me up. They’re not manipulative. They haven’t suddenly become difficult for the sake of it. They’re either overwhelmed, or struggling, or just showing me (in the only way they know how) that they need something.
And when I see it that way, I feel less triggered. Less like I need to “get them into line” and more like I need to take a breath and actually listen.
The way we talk about kids matters
We’ve normalised this narrative that toddlers are terrors. That two-year-olds are 'terrible', three-year-olds are threenagers. That four is “f*cked up”. And I get it – it’s a kind of shorthand. A way for parents to tell each other, “Hey, this age is hard and I’m struggling too.”
But what if that kind of language is actually making it harder for us to connect with our kids?
Because it shifts the blame. It paints children as the problem. It says “they’re just difficult” – instead of saying, “they’re still learning.” And it makes it so much easier to miss what’s really going on underneath the behaviour.
When I think back to my own childhood, I can remember times when I was told off for crying, or for having “a bad attitude”, or for “talking back” – when really, I was upset. Or confused. Or just trying to be understood. Those moments didn’t help me learn anything except how to shut it down.
I don't want that for my kids. And I don't want that for yours either.
All behaviour is communication
Even when it’s loud. Even when it looks aggressive or silly or makes no sense to us at all – it means something.
And when we label it as “naughty”, we stop looking for the meaning. We shut down the message. But the truth is, our children are communicating the only way they know how. It might not be the way we’d prefer. But it’s their version of a cry for help, or a need for connection, or a moment of sensory overload.
When a behaviour isn’t working, the work isn’t in fixing the child. It’s in changing the environment, adjusting the expectations, and offering more support.
That doesn’t mean letting everything slide. It just means holding the boundary and the relationship at the same time. It means responding with guidance, not punishment. With connection, not control.
If this resonates, search “behaviour” in the Zazi Hub. You’ll find loads of real-life examples, scripts for what to say, and simple strategies to support your child through the hard stuff. The meltdowns, the hitting, the yelling, the refusal to get dressed. It’s all there.
Let’s stop calling it naughty. Let’s start listening instead.
You’ve got this.
